cherrygash's Diaryland Diary

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How do you spell Hypocrite again?

Just had a meeting with my therapist, hadnt seen her in so long.

It was good. I was even more unstable recently from a 6 day dose of prednisone.
I grew to be very very desperate, flash backs, panic attacks, suicidal...like a 9 out of 10.

The ent did cat scan
Nothing major wrong but im going to have surgery to open up cheek sinuses and something else they are taking tissue from. All using instruments up the nose, no outward cutting or anything.
6 week recovery
Im glad.

So in session i vomited all my grief
How im trying to juggle my rocky relationship with my parents, the loss of part of my family, the health problems, how i hate myself, and any and all upcoming holidays.

She said i need to grieve the parents my parents have not lived up to. That ive tried my best, but with their ridgidness, i can no longer "work" on them. I have to stop. It drains me. Within a few months ago i told my mom if things didnt loosen up they would be putting me in the ground before my grandma. It was not a threat.
I said i cant fight or be tore down, i tear myself apart Everyday, i dont need their help. We can be around eachother, knowing people get moody once in awhile, but not push the nukes for something meaningless. Fuck, we need to try to understand eachother, build eachother up. Cuz the world out there aint gonna do it.

I come from a good place, if i hated you, or havent forgiven you at all...i wouldnt be here. I wouldnt waste my time.

My t makes me feel sane again. I told her how hard it has been to love myself, to feel worth, while living with people who say one thing then act entirely different.
Its very confusing. Im pulled in all sorts of directions. How close do you get or stay? I worry about al ot of mistakes i could be making..that negative reel, harsh critic is in constant play.

She wrote on a piece of paper for me, "You are worth it." " They are not capable."

Which makes me feel a little relieved, but very sad.

Right now im taking it day by day.

When i came home that nite my mom proceeded to tell me of a awful accident that happened to a girl i know. She ran into another person playing a game at nite and messed up her teeth bad, fractured her skull. Shes ok, but all wired up now.
Our moms work together and heard this from her mom. My mom was floored at how light she made of the situation. "Oh, shes ok." The next thing my mom said to me, "Its like shes minimizing it, like it was nothing or didnt happen." "This is very serious."

My mouth dropped open and i wanted to remark on her judging this womans minimizing. But i didnt. I couldnt fucking believe she said that...and in front of me!

Thank God for my therapist.


12:59 a.m. - 2018-06-24

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