cherrygash's Diaryland Diary

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indefinate

I keep thinking about how empty i feel.
I feel rejoiced when God is with me, but the constant reminders of the reality of my life now, put me in a state of despair.

I dont want to go another year, another minute living this way. Friendless, jobless, homeless, hopeless.

im young damn it, these should be MY years, full of friends and experiences and LIFE. I dont want this drawn out heartache, when is the time in my life that ill be happy?
it Wasn't my childhood...well some was, but it was too shortlived
it WASn't my teens
and it Hasn't been my college years
now, they are passing me too, yet, i am not in school...living back in Hell(with my parents) and have NO prospects.

please come, please come sooner.

I wonder if i am ever to be happy with my life, for a sustainable period of time.
Life is full of hardships,
it hurts like hell
and wherever you turn you will get your heart broken by people you love, or want to love, and not just silly romatic types, general Love, friendship love...God, i miss friendship.

Does not any other person at my age see that? aren't they outraged at this world, the injustice, lack of integrity, over-blown egos and sense of entitlement?
or are we all supposed to sell-out, to want to buy in to all this crap.
....sexual indiscretions and exploitation...
social and political pressures and mind-washing nonsense
when will the beast come?

i keep thinking he'll come and i wont be good for God at all.
i hope i get to Heaven, but where is my faith now?
i feel unworthy, i know i am, but i keep reminding myself i am sin, i am born sinful, and how sick i must be not to stand in front of God without being wiped clean.
i think, am i clean, when all i want to do is lie down and give up?
is it sin to hate life, that i am doing what i can, but i am lost...and not knowing if i am doing well or not in God's eyes....and knowing i am a weakling, that i cant trust anyone enough, not even God fully to actually help me?
am i disgusting that i have doubts, that ive always had to rely on picking myself up to move on...but knowing God had something to do with it, but denying that it could happen again? or that all ive been used to doing is coping in horrible ways most of my life that when it comes down to being down long enough that your soul numbs itself off from suffering, you cant find any other way out than killing yourself or relying on God, and you pick the first?
its easier you say
you know it will work
but its a cowards way

but isn't it a coward to not want any other part to do with life, to face all your demons, but just be God's angel...pray that He take you away

i know i seem rambly, but i have a hard time concentrating..im not used to using my brain alot
this is also a major struggle, being stopped dead short, like your brain being shut off

i hate writing sometimes, because they want all my feelings out, say its healthier than keeping them in
but i complain, and am sorrowful constantly, even i get tired of hearing about it
i want to kick myself

i feel pathetic
i havent been to therapy for awhile
maybe 4 weeks
i think i should go
but cant seem to get myself out into the public
or drive the hour and a half to get there
yuck

living in the sticks will not only drive you crazy, but get you nowhere to helping yourself when you're depressed as hell and you have to drive that far for one thing

i miss the girls
my old friends kids
i cant see them anymore
i love them
it is still hard to see girly clothes and books i know they'd like
but its getting better
my heart hurts, but doesn't burn with it as badly
i do wish to have them jump into my arms again, or give them an under-dog on the swings at the playground
maybe God will give me a way into more kids hearts, when i am ready
i have to be a better role-model first, and a more stabilized human being...and if He will it, that will happen too

i know i have to write a "letter" to my brother
i need to get it out
i will not send it, as i wish to have no contact with him
but i know it will be a deal of hurt for me to go through and write it
i have no idea how i will channel that inner child, and hurt girl that ive buried away
God, help me get intouch with my feelings for this
it hurts, even now to think about it
i want to avoid it very much
but thats not practical

i have learned to hide away on the inside whenever it was scary on the outside
so early i mastered this seclusion
so difficult it is to relearn that my hiding place is God, and put practice and use to Him

11:49 a.m. - 2010-02-03

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